The Long Road ReVisited
by RiverCity
Summary: A Life Torn Apart, A Family Reunited, and Unspoken Dreams find reality as the promise of a friend is kept. Johnny and Alexis
1. The Long Road ReVisited

Up to you whether I finish this one or not!

The Long Road Revisited 

Johnny stepped onto the private elevator of the Harbor View Towers and pushed the button for the seventeenth floor then leaned heavily against the back wall.  The irony of his new residence never quite left him these days.  He was living next door to his former boss, Sonny Corinthos, and they now happened to be good friends.  Johnny chuckled as he dropped his head a little shaking it over the ironic curves life could throw a person on any given day.  

Today proved its self to be one of those days that would stay with him for a while.  In working his regular shift at Ferncliff Sanitarium a new patient was brought in that reminded him of the months he spent there with Alexis while she battled her way back from catatonia.  Kevin was constantly reminding him that he couldn't afford to get emotionally involved with every patient he came in contact with, but Johnny couldn't help it.  Too much of his adult life had been spent following orders that could and often did cause harm.  He simply wanted to make up for some of the damage he was responsible for while working for Sonny.  If that meant taking a little extra time to help one of the less coordinated mentally impaired patients bring a spoon to their mouth without spilling its contents, then that's what he did.  And when someone attempted the action alone and finally succeeded, Johnny made the biggest production out of the event he could praising them as though they just won a marathon.

His apprenticeship at Ferncliff under the guidance of Kevin Collins began only a few short weeks earlier.  His life, since leaving the sanitarium with Alexis, could be described as nothing short of phenomenal.  The day the four of them walked away from the white columned entrance of the sanitarium he, Joy, Sonny and Alexis all boarded Sonny's plane for a much needed vacation to Puerto Rico leaving Alexis' unsigned 'Patient Discharge Approval' terms, somewhere between Port Charles and the island.  They returned home just in time for Alexis to deliver a beautiful healthy baby girl she christened Kristina Joy Davis-Corinthos.  Joy was ecstatic that Alexis not only asked her to be godmother to Kristina but honored her by giving the child her name as well.   Johnny got a kick out of watching Joy strut around as if she owned the world.  But the most astounding truth he lived with every day was that Joy did indeed own his world and it didn't bother him one bit.  

Johnny knew without a doubt that he owed a debt of gratitude to his new found friends who cared enough about him to help him get to a comfortable place in his life and he knew without question that he owed Alexis Davis more than any of them.  And then there was Joy… always and forever his beautiful Joy. 

Shifting his thoughts, a small grin appeared on his face as he reflected on the fact that he was now doing something he loved while building a future that he could look back on and be proud of.  A normal week consisted of 30 hours of hands on patient care and then attending school at night to earn a degree as a Physician's Assistant.  Kevin personally saw to it that Johnny received full pay for the limited time he spent at the sanitarium as well as a full benefits package in exchange for a contract of employment for 5 years immediately following his graduation.  Hardly a day went by that Kevin didn't kid him about owing 5 years of his life to Ferncliff before Johnny could strike out on his own to use the skills Kevin generously paid for.  Johnny usually just laughed and went on about his business knowing in his heart he would have given Kevin twice that for taking him under his wing and giving him a chance to prove his worth.  

Most days, Johnny completed his daily schedule with a feeling of accomplishment and enormous satisfaction while the rest were completed in a fog of exhaustion.  Following Kevin Collins around the wards in the morning and then pulling his own shift of 'ward care' in the early afternoon sometimes left him so fatigued he found it hard to remain alert enough to drive home.

But, today was an exceptional day.  Kevin was called away for an out of town conference and Johnny was looking forward to a couple of days of well-earned vacation.  Letting his head fall back to rest against the wall of the elevator his thoughts were drawn back to Joy.  Closing his eyes he could see her putting the finishing touches on dinner and then racing to make sure she looked her best for his arrival.  Her work schedule was two hours ahead of his, which didn't leave her much time to prepare for his arrival home, but she always managed to have dinner on the table and look as if she just stepped off the cover of a beauty magazine.  Time and time again he told her that she didn't have to make such a fuss over him, but Joy simply smiled and patted him lovingly on the cheek before returning to whatever task she happened to be engaged in at the moment.  So following her lead, Johnny began taking an extra set of clothes to work with him and used the resident's shower before going home.  It made some days a little more hectic, but he didn't mind.  He never wanted anything to spoil the moment he walked through the door of penthouse three into the arms of his waiting wife.

The ring of the elevator signaled its arrival to the seventeenth floor bringing Johnny out of his musings and he stepped forward eagerly anticipating the thrill he would feel at the sight of the woman who waited for him just a few steps away.  Impatient for the doors to open, Johnny raised his hand and lightly struck it a couple of times in aggravation at being delayed even the briefest of moments.  Finally as the doors opened Johnny released a short laugh at his impatience and eagerly stepped off the elevator.  Two steps later he stopped abruptly at the sound of raised voices coming from penthouse 2.

Sighing heavily he continued on knowing instantly what his best friends were arguing about.  He had inadvertently stumbled upon them engaged in the same argument more times than he cared to admit, and truth be known it was the only thing that Alexis and Sonny argued about these days.  Both were adamant in their stance on the issue and would not give an inch.

Johnny opened his door to find Joy waiting on him and just as he pulled her into his arms they both jumped at the sound of a door slamming so hard it rattled the pictures on the wall.

Joy's head fell softly to land just under Johnny's chin as she asked, "They're at it again, right?"

"Yeah.  This one must be pretty rough.  You know the only time Sonny storms out like that is when he's had enough and knows he's going to blow."

They both heard the sound of Alexis' door opening quietly and then jumped again as the sound of Sonny's door slamming though not nearly as forceful.  Joy shook her head laughing knowing that Sonny just stomped all over one of the few things Alexis requested of those she cared about. It took only a few days of living next to Alexis Davis for Joy to realize you don't walk out on Alexis in the middle of an argument and you certainly don't slam any doors in the process.  What concerned Joy the most at that moment though was where her goddaughter was and was she anywhere near her father's insane display of immaturity.  Joy reached up and kissed Johnny, winked at him and slid past him to run check on Kristina.

Joy held nothing against Letitia when it came to childcare, but she and Alexis were in agreement that little Kristina would never be left with anyone who did not have a 110% vested interest in her care or her safety.  Words were never spoken regarding the issue; it was simply a jointly agreed upon state of mind. Kristina's interests were to be adhered to above everyone else's.  And if there was one thing Joy would not abide, it was Sonny's booming voice in the same room with her namesake.  And as much as Alexis demanded he lower his voice when they argued, Sonny still had not learned to adequately control his temper… especially when it came to a discussion regarding the individual rights of his adopted son, Michael.

In a few short months Joy and Alexis managed to build such a close bond between them that it sometimes stunned Johnny.  It was quite comical at times watching them begin and end sentences for one another, never finding a need to question the motives, actions or thoughts of the other.  Whatever Alexis needed… Joy was right there and the same held true of Alexis for Joy.  Their friendship allowed not only Joy to flourish, but also the friendship had a profound effect on Alexis.  One could say that with Sonny, Alexis found her wings, but with Joy she was learning how far she could spread them.  It was rare to find anything other than contentment in her eyes now and Johnny sometimes found it hard to associate the woman he knew now as Alexis with the one he knew before her confinement at Ferncliff. The four of them had come a long way together and were now almost inseparable.  

Joy and Johnny watched in fascination as their friends worked together to find a mutually agreeable living arrangement.  Sonny wanted them all under one roof while Alexis adamantly refused to give up her own space.  They could stay at his place one night and hers the next, but for Alexis to move in with Sonny lock, stock and barrel?  She just wasn't ready to take that step yet.  Arguments were rare, but when one did come up, it tended to be loud and at times costly.  It was however, a credit to Sonny that he restricted himself to his own penthouse when he felt the need to physically express his anger.  The first time Joy witnessed such an outburst Johnny was forced to carry her bodily from the room as the sound of her laughter drove Sonny into a deeper rage.  Hurrying past Alexis he was forced to stifle his own laughter as he watched her face turn red with the effort to contain her laughter at Joy's response to Sonny's inability to restrain his ridiculous outbursts.  Life on the seventeenth floor of the Harbor View Tower was definitely not boring.

Hearing someone behind him, Johnny turned to find Alexis standing in the doorway with a look of apology on her face.

"Not necessary, Alexis.  It's getting to be a regular occurrence these days.  He still won't budge, huh?"

Alexis shook her head and looked around quickly to see if Joy was home.  "I guess she ran over to check on Kristina."

"Yeah, right after the second door slammed."  

"Not to worry, I took Kristina upstairs to Letitia before it got too bad." 

"I wasn't worried.  She'll be back in a second with the wee one so come on in and sit down.  You look like you could use a break."

Moving toward the sofa, Alexis sat down heavily refusing to add insult to injury by discussing her most recent attempt to sway Sonny's mind regarding Michael's rights.

Johnny sat down beside her and put his arm over her shoulders.  "No need to explain, we know what's going on.  I mean it's a little hard to miss.  And while Joy understands exactly what you're trying to do for Michael… she and I don't agree any more than you and Sonny do.  I guess it's a guy thing."

Johnny winced as Alexis stood up abruptly and turned around to face him with an intense frown on her face.

"So you agree with him.  You agree that Michael does not have the right to know who his biological father is?  I'm sorry Johnny, but you more than any one of us should understand simply because you never knew who your father was.  I grew up without knowing who my father was and when I finally did find out I can tell you it was a tremendous relief for me in ways I couldn't begin to explain.  I finally knew for a fact that he actually did love me.  Johnny, that kind of connection means something to a child… to an adult."

Johnny reached up took Alexis by the hand and pulled her back down beside him speaking quietly with his own level of intensity.

"And what if I did know who my father was.  Given the kind of life my mother led, do you honestly think that knowing who my father was would have made a difference in my life… for the better?  Alexis, I don't care to know who my father was.  He could never replace what my Nana Rose gave me when she pulled me out of that place and gave me a home with her.  I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings that I don't agree with you, but I see both Sonny and Michael's side of it.  And after seeing how Ned and the rest of those Quartermaines treat each other… They neither forgive nor forget.  Michael is better off without them."

Johnny and Alexis looked toward the door as they heard Joy come in carrying Kristina.  Johnny could tell by the look on her face that the last part of his conversation was fixing to cost him.  He leaned forward to accept the baby that Joy was placing in his arms.

"Johnny, look at this little angel.  You know how much Sonny loves his daughter and you know how much Alexis suffered because she tried to hide this beautiful creation from Sonny.  Can you imagine this little girl growing up not knowing Sonny was her father or that you and I were not her godparents, because that is exactly what would have happened if Alexis hadn't ended up a patient at the home.  None of us would be together and Alexis would be out there on her own… alone.  Can you honestly say that little Kristina would be better off without Sonny given what you know now of the whole situation?  Why wouldn't the same hold true for Michael?  Is it our right to keep a son from knowing his heritage… or taking from him his right to choose for himself?  Sonny is doing the very thing to Michael and AJ that Alexis tried to do with him and this little one.  So why do you two feel the need to hang on to such a double standard?  He gets to know his daughter but Michael does not get to know anything of his real father?  You guys aren't making any sense here."

Johnny stood up carefully readjusting Kristina in his arms and slowly walked across the room toward the balcony.  With this little miracle in his arms, he was finding it hard to continue holding on to his belief that Michael didn't need to know who his biological father was.  But, that still didn't stop his concern for the boy knowing the type of man AJ Quartermaine was.  Johnny knew for a fact that Michael's best bet for a happy home lay with Sonny and Alexis.  There was not a child ever born that deserved to have AJ and Carly as parents.  He looked back at Alexis as he heard her quietly call to him.

"Johnny, you know it has never been an option for Michael to live anywhere other than with Sonny and I until he graduates.  I would not let that happen.  All I'm saying is that he has the right to know who AJ is so that when he gets older it becomes his choice as to whether he wants AJ to be a part of his life… or not.  Operative words here are 'his choice'."

Letting his eyes fall once more to the miracle in his arms Johnny smiled and tweaked her nose eliciting a tiny dimpled grin before walking back and returning Kristina to her mother.  Standing back up he gazed at the two of them and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Alexis.  I've just seen too much of the way those people treat each other.  Michael deserves to be protected from them.  I saw how Ned treated you while you two were together and then at the home.   And what happened when you made a choice he couldn't handle, he walked.  They are all of the same blood, the same mind-set.  Michael should never have to worry about people walking out on him every time he makes a mistake."

Alexis shifted and attempted to stand while trying to keep from awakening her daughter who it seemed preferred sleep over listening to a bunch of grown ups arguing.  Seeing the effort it was taking, Joy and Johnny reached down and with a hand at each elbow helped Alexis rise without disturbing the sleeping child.  Johnny was having trouble handling the look on Alexis' face.  He could tell she was disappointed in him, but there was something else he couldn't readily define.  It didn't matter though, her disappointment in his opinion hurt enough.

"Thank you for at least listening, Johnny.  Don't worry about it.  This is between Sonny and I.  I shouldn't have even brought it up.  Let's just forget it.  At this point I'm not willing for there to be any discord between us.  I don't know what I would do without you…" looking over at Joy she finished her thought, "either of you."

Returning her gaze to Johnny she saw his realization of her disappointment in him and its effect on him.  She reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand.  "Don't worry, Johnny.  You know how much I love you whether you agree with me or not.  That won't change.  You and I are a part of each other.  Now I'm going home with my little girl and see how long it takes Sonny to let go of that head of steam he's got going and remember it's dinnertime.  I'll see you two later."

Joy watched Alexis close the door behind her, then turned and reached for Johnny.  His face was an open book and she could tell he was worried.  He didn't often disagree with Alexis, but when he did he felt it in his soul.  This time the subject they disagreed on was so much more critical than anything they had ever disagreed on before.  Joy's heart ached at the sadness she saw in Johnny's eyes.  Alexis meant so much to him.  Wrapping her arms around him she whispered…  "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

Johnny pulled her close and squeezed tightly dropping his chin down lightly on top of her head.  He let go of his worry regarding Alexis.  Joy was in his arms and that's all he needed.

"Yeah, I kinda liked it too.  Care to tell me again just like you did this morning?  I could definitely use another go around just like that.  What do you say?  Care to join me in the hot tub for an hour or two?"

Joy leaned back with a twinkle in her eye and responded teasingly.

"Sometimes I almost regret sharing with Alexis my fantasy of making love to my husband in a hot tub.  I would never have imagined she would take me seriously enough to have one installed as a 6-month anniversary gift.  I find myself wondering on a regular basis now if my husband has forgotten that a bed can be used for other things besides sleeping."

Johnny laughed, scooped Joy off her feet and laid her playfully on the sofa.  "Oh I remember alright.  But, I don't seem to hear you complaining much about our antics on the balcony last night… or in the shower the night before… or in the kitchen yesterday afternoon.  Want to try somewhere else?"

Joy laughed gaily and pulled him closer.  Dinner would simply have to wait a while.  There were more important things that needed her attention at the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

The following morning, Johnny was sitting on the sofa after taking advantage of a few extra hours of sleep on his first day of vacation when he heard a soft knock on the door.  Rising eagerly from the couch he went to answer it knowing he would find Alexis standing there with a newspaper under one arm, Kristina held close within the other and a portable dining cart next to her filled with coffee and pastries.  

While Joy and Alexis succeeded in building quite a friendship between the two of them, Johnny and Alexis were just as close as ever.  Their time together at Ferncliff proved to Alexis that there were people in the world who really could be counted on and trusted.  It was now a ritual of sorts for Alexis to come by every Wednesday morning bearing coffee and doughnuts.  They would sit for a couple of hours and talk about anything and everything that was going on in their lives.  The time made for a much longer day for Johnny, given his work and school schedule, but he didn't care.  He wouldn't give up his time with Alexis for anything.  He still needed her in more ways than he cared to admit and Johnny knew that as much as she loved Joy, Alexis depended on her time with him too. 

Their disagreement from the night before weighed heavy on his mind, but when he looked closer to try and gauge her mood, he breathed a sigh of relief.  There was nothing about her that suggested she was upset with him.  In fact she actually looked a little pre-occupied.  Choosing not to spoil the mood, he put the displeasure of the previous night behind him and bowed at the waist and with a sweeping gesture of his arm inviting her in.

"M'lady, your throne awaits you.  I've been up for hours waiting on you.  These little weekly visits of ours have become a habit my stomach does not like to be kept waiting on."

Alexis looked at him with a contrived look of annoyance as she handed Kristina to him.  "I wonder how much that little speech of yours would cost you if I put you under oath with a penalty of perjury hanging over your head."  Moving past him with her best defense counsel demeanor she rolled the cart through the door and placed it next to the sofa before turning to complete her thought.  "And lest you think it a good idea to finish regaling me with your morning's activity… Joy called me from work a couple of hours ago and asked that I let you sleep a while longer since it was your first day of vacation."

Handing Kristina back to Alexis as he reached for a doughnut, Johnny scowled in good humor and returned to his seat on the sofa.  "There's just no winning with you two, is there?"

Sitting down beside him, Alexis shrugged nonchalantly before reaching for a cup of coffee.

"It defies all reason why you keep trying.  We are two very smart and very resourceful women.  You know, you really should give yourself a break and just accept the fact that your wife and I will always have the upper hand where you are concerned."

Johnny leaned forward and placed his half eaten doughnut on the coffee table before turning around to pour himself a cup of coffee letting his own personal arrow fly and then waited for it to hit its intended mark.  "Like the upper hand you have with Sonny?"

There were certain things Johnny learned that could silence Alexis without too much effort.  Her relationship with Sonny was filled with opportunities just waiting to be turned into pot shots at the least little hint of being teased by her.  She became instantly flustered and completely lost her ability to keep up her end of a verbal joust.  Johnny got a kick out of it every time he was able to get a dig in and cause Alexis to sputter incoherently.    This time Alexis was right in the middle of taking a sip of coffee and just as Johnny's remark sank in, she choked.  He quickly grabbed Kristina to protect her from a spray of hot coffee while her mother jumped up coughing vigorously.  Finally catching her breath Alexis looked back at Johnny with a glint in her eye and mocked him by mimicking his previous bow.

"Fine, O-Great-Master-of-Wit-And-Sarcasm, you win that one."

"Thank you, now sit back down and tell me what's put you in such rare form this morning.  I kind of figured you wouldn't show up given that fight last night with you-know-who."

Alexis reached to take Kristina from Johnny then settled her in the bassinet that Joy kept in their living room.  She lingered just long enough to make sure Kristina was comfortable and willing to be put down for a while before taking her seat beside Johnny again.

"There was something else on my agenda for last night, but with Sonny and everything else… well, I thought it best to just wait until this morning.  I mean I did need to talk to you about something and I guess with everything that happened… it was probably best that we didn't get around to it.  Well, because I think maybe you and I should probably talk about it first before you tell Joy… that is if you want to share it with her… which I'm sure you will… but that's probably a decision you will want to make for yourself without my input.  But, in my opinion I think you should tell Joy… I mean it does or will affect her… "

Johnny could tell Alexis was nervous about something by the way her eyes were shifting back and forth and her breathing was a little off not to mention her rambling.  There was something pretty heavy going on and he figured the best way to calm her down so she could talk to him was to try and lighten things up… ease her tension.  Getting her to laugh would do the trick if she weren't too far gone.

"Just say it Alexis.  If you don't you're going to pass out on me and then I'll have to worry about Sonny taking my head off because I let his wi… girlfr… compan… hell, just what are you two calling yourselves this week anyway?"

He wasn't disappointed.  Alexis slapped him on the arm blushing profusely and laughed completely aware of the absolute truth behind Johnny's words.

"Ok Mr. Smarty, while 'wife' has yet to become one of those descriptions… you somehow seem to have convinced yourself that you have me pretty much figured out now, don't you?"

"Well, I don't like to brag…. but... "

Turning around and leaning over the back of the sofa, Alexis pulled a manila file from the second shelf of the pastry cart and laid it in Johnny's lap.  Her voice quieted as she looked up at him with a mixture of reluctance and cautious anticipation.

"So tell me, hot shot.  Did you happen to notice that I have on my favorite 'I-did –something-just-for-my-best-friend' outfit this morning? "

Johnny looked down at the folder in his lap and read its label. "Case #PC2945 – O'Brien, Johnny".  He looked back up at Alexis quizzically.

Taking hold of his hand, she continued. "You asked me if I would help you find out if there were any siblings out there somewhere that were related to you."

Johnny's chin dropped to his chest.  He should have known Alexis wouldn't forget.  Her need to make good on her promises was almost as important to her as her principles.  Lifting the file slowly, he stared at it as if it were something alien.  He turned his head slowly and raised his eyes to meet hers.  Words were not necessary.  She would know when he was ready to hear what she found and she would also know that he wouldn't be able to open the folder himself.

When Johnny raised his eyes to meet hers, Alexis saw everything Johnny was feeling.  She saw his fear, the reluctant hope of a son who needed to belong and the broken heart of a little boy who for years wanted nothing more than to be loved by the woman who brought him into the world.  She tightened her hold on his hand smiled encouragingly then waited until she knew he was in control enough to hear the contents of the file he still held tightly in a hand that shook and had grown moist with perspiration brought on by fear of the unknown.  When she saw him resign himself to whatever he was about to learn she reached for the file.  Opening it slowly she pulled a photo free from the paper clip that attached it to the file and placed it into his free hand.

"Her name is Rose Marten… and she's your sister."

Tears formed in the corner of Johnny's eyes as he reached for the photo and stared into a face that hauntingly mirrored his own.

"Where… "

"She lives just outside the Port Charles city limits… in 'The South Side' neighborhood."

"The South Side?"

"Yes."

The southern region of Port Charles was where the best of the middle class resided.  It was the quietest and safest area of Port Charles.  A neighborhood filled with children laughing, tumbling around on thick green lush lawns, little girls lying quietly on their backs watching lazy clouds drift by as they dreamed of growing up, young boys racing by on bicycles hoping to be noticed.  There were times when Johnny wanted to escape his life for a while and remember what it felt like to be so free, so careless.  When those times came, he would drive to the south side and park his car to just sit and watch.  He would sit there and dream of raising his own family some day right there in the middle of 'The South Side' of Port Charles away from the violence and unease of Sonny's world.   As the photo in his hand shook slightly Johnny looked back up at Alexis suddenly needing to know more.

"Then she's… "

"Yes, she is just fine and so is her son…," Alexis hesitated just a moment then with a voice as soft as a falling feather, "…John Edmund O'Brien Marten."

Johnny's head shot up, his face a mask of complete astonishment. 

"My name…  th-th-that… that's my name."

"I know.  She gave her son her brothers name."

A chill ran through Johnny and he shifted uncomfortably.  If there was a sister who knew about him, knew his real birth name, then…

"Wh-What about… d-did you find… is she… "

Johnny pulled away from Alexis and stood to walk across the room. He stopped beside the bassinet, reached down and ran his finger gently down Kristina's cheek.  He turned his head slightly unwilling to take his eyes from the child as he felt Alexis' hand fall on his shoulder and it gave him the courage to ask the one question that struck both fear and apprehension in his heart.

"Is she… alive?"

"Yes, Johnny.  She is."

Johnny turned abruptly away from Alexis again and took a couple of steps away from her.  The air around him felt thin… he couldn't catch a deep breath.  Lifting his hands he entwined his fingers behind his head and leaned back stretching the muscles in his neck and back.  It felt like someone ripped them out, tied them in knots and shoved them back into place.  Releasing his grip he wrung his hands a couple of times then turned back toward Alexis.

"I have a sister… a nephew… and… "

Seeing the difficulty he was having Alexis finished his thought.

"And a mother who are all alive and living close by."

Just as she finished her statement, Alexis saw Johnny lose his battle to contain the emotions that were tearing through him.  Tears fell from his eyes as he dropped his head.  In her heart she knew they were tears of anger, relief, hope and loss.  She reached for him and pulled him into her arms laying his head on her shoulder as she spoke softly into his ear.  

"It's okay, Johnny.  You're okay.  Nothing has to change if you don't want it to, but you do have a family.  And they are alive and want to see you.  I've already met them and you are going to love that little nephew of yours.  They call him Johnny too.  Your mother gave your sister Nana's name and your nephew bears your name.  There is so much for you to hear, but I think you may want to hear it from them.  Do you want to know, Johnny?  Do you want to know what happened after your mother left?"

Johnny raised his head from her shoulder leaving her blouse wet with his tears and dropped his arms from around her.  He turned and walked back to the sofa sitting down heavily and dropped his head into his hands.

His mother was alive.  The woman who abandoned him when he was just a boy now wanted to see him.  Could he?  He looked over at Alexis who waited patiently to do whatever she could to help.  He smiled wanly and reached out beckoning her to sit down beside him before lowering his head again.   Feeling her sit beside him he reached over and pulled her hand into his.  There was so much going on inside of him… and he felt like he was slowly coming apart.  He just needed to hold on to someone to keep him grounded. 

"I thought that when the time came I would handle it better than this.  I thought she couldn't hurt me anymore.  But she can, Alexis.  Sitting here right now, knowing she's only a few miles away… she's the one that walked away.  I didn't.  I stayed there day after day after day waiting for her.  Waiting to see if she would come home… waiting for her to care enough about me to make sure I was still alive.  I cried night after night for her… waking up at the least little sound hoping it was her… and at the same time terrified at who she would bring home with her next.  How am I supposed to look her in the face and forget all of that?  You asked me if I was going to let her dictate how I lived the rest of my life… you remember don't you… what we talked about that last day we went to the gazebo.  I walked away from there thinking I left all the bad stuff there.  But, I didn't.  It's still with me.  All of the anger and hurt is still with me.  I just did a damn good job of covering it up again.  It was easy because I found myself a new family… a new life.  I didn't need her because I had you guys.  So I just shoved it all away again and convinced myself that I let it go.  Geez, Alexis; what would she think of me now… what would my Nana think of me now?"

Johnny was working himself up into quite a state and Alexis needed to find a way to calm him down.  Wrapping her arm around his waist she rested her chin on his shoulder as she lay her hand within his once again.

"Johnny, your Nana Rose would know how difficult it would be for her grandson to let go of a lifetime of hurt.  She would not fault you for what you are feeling right now.  What I do think she would ask of you is that you remember what she taught you about forgiveness.   She made a request of you Johnny just before she died.  And I know that if you don't honor that request, you will not be able to live with yourself."

"I know.  I have to see 'her' even if it's only long enough to give her Nana's message.  I don't have a choice.  I promised Nana."

All of a sudden Alexis' words of a few moments before sank into Johnny's consciousness.  Lifting his head quickly, his hand tightened painfully around hers.

"You **_saw_** her?  Alexis?  Did you say you saw her?"

Alexis gently pried her fingers loose from his grip and waved off his look of apology.  She was trying to get him to lighten up a little.

"It's ok… a little loss of blood circulation between friends is nothing to get worked up about, and yes I saw her.  But more importantly, I spoke to her.  Johnny I wasn't willing to put you two together unless I knew before hand what you would hear from her.  I just couldn't do that to you."

"So you know what she's been up to for the past 30 years," spat Johnny with barely controlled anger driven sarcasm.

"Yes.  But, I want to ask you a question before we go any further.  Okay?"

Johnny nodded succinctly so Alexis took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.  She wasn't sure just how much information his Nana shared with him before dying, but given what Alexis now knew, it was imperative that she 'handle' what she knew very carefully.

"Are you going to be able to handle seeing her and then have to let go of her again?"

"What do you mean, 'let go of her again'?"  Is she still up to her same old tricks?"  Johnny stood up raising his voice angrily and began pacing as he thought of the little boy who carried his name.  "Is she doing the same thing to my sister and nephew that she did to me?  Tell me, Alexis.  Are they in danger from the kind of life she leads?"  

Johnny's voice was filled with protection for two people who were just revealed to be his family, while at the same time Alexis heard a wealth of bitterness and anger toward a mother who she knew was now paying the price for her mistakes.  She went over to the bassinet to make sure Johnny's raised voice had not awakened her daughter then took him by the hand and led him back to the sofa.

"Calm down, Johnny.  You don't have all the facts yet and working yourself up into a state right now is not going to help matters."

Johnny snorted derisively before looking Alexis in the eyes.  "Working myself up, Alexis?  Just what am I supposed to be feeling right now?  Should I be on my knees thanking God that you found my mother or jumping up and down because I have a sister that I never knew anything about or a nephew that bears my name, but has no clue who I am?  Tell me Alexis, what am I allowed to feel about all of this?"

Johnny's pain was so deep that he was unaware of how harsh his words sounded or that he was directing them toward someone he held as close as he did his Nana Rose.  He saw her hands rise to cup his face and the look in her eyes was filled with pain.  Her pain was for him, for his loss, for what he was feeling… he bent his head toward her and lay his forehead against hers as his harsh words echoed in his head.

"I'm sorry, Alexis.  I didn't mean… "

"Shhh… Johnny, I know you didn't.  I can see what this is doing to you, but there is so much that you do not know.  And I think that maybe we should wait until Joy comes home to finish this. " 

An image of Joy filled his head and Johnny's heart filled with her.  His Joy… his heart and soul.  Joy would want to be with him through this.  She would want to stand beside him while he fought the demons of anger and bitterness.  Joy… loving him gave her pleasure just as loving her filled him with hope.  With Joy his past seemed to dim and the pain of it lessened.  He knew he would share everything with her… but not yet.  Not until he knew it was settled within himself first.

"No, Alexis.  Not until I know what I'm dealing with here."

"But Johnny, she could… " 

Johnny leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead then stepped away.  He had no intention of leaving Joy out of it at all, he just needed to deal with it on his own first in case he needed to prepare Joy for the worst.

"Alexis, we do it my way partner.  My mother… my family… my wife… my way.  Okay?"

"Alright, Johnny.  If you're sure that's the way you want it… "

"It is.  Now come on.  It's time you tell me what you found out.  I don't want to hear it from 'her'.  I don't trust her.  It has to be you.  Alexis, you have to tell me what she's been up to and how I got a sister out of the whole mess."

Alexis returned to the sofa, sat down and picked up the manila file folder.  She took a deep breath then began to tell a story that caused quite a few tears of her own to spill while putting it all together for Johnny.  And she knew that the coming moments were going to be the hardest of Johnny's life.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

"Your mother was christened Margaret Rose O'Brien.  She left home at the age of 16 and you were born less than a year later.  Your mother originally wanted nothing to do with children.  Unfortunately you learned that at a very early age, Johnny.  From the day you were born until you were 4 years old, you lived with your father."

Alexis felt Johnny tense beside her and as his eyes met hers she saw the struggle he was under with the realization his father had been a part of his life for four years.  

"I lived with my father for four years?"  Johnny was stunned.  Four years of his life spent with his father and he never knew it.

Without hesitating Alexis continued, not willing to allow Johnny to settle on anything specific for an extended amount of time until he knew more of the story. 

"The day you were born he took you home with him because he knew he could give you a better life than your mother would.  There's not much information on him yet, other than he was a dockworker known for being honest, hard working and a man of honor.  I still have people out researching your father.  But, according to your mother, he fell in love with her and did everything he could to get her off the streets."  

Alexis watched sadly as Johnny left his place beside her to stand several feet away.  She knew exactly what he was feeling.  There were so many times that members of her own family, when held up to the light of decency, caused her to feel ashamed… isolated… unworthy.  She caught his eye and at his nod continued.

"When you were four your father became sick and… and just before he died he sent for your mother.  His hope was that she would see how much you needed her since he would no longer be there to take care of you.  And for a while she actually did try to be a mother to you, but she wasn't used to having a small child around all the time and the expense was more than she expected.  There were times that she thought about sending you to her mother, but her pride wouldn't let her.  She swore to herself the day she walked away from your Nana's home that she wouldn't go back and she would never ask them for help.  So, the older you got the more she began leaving you on your own.  You were nine when your Nana found you alone in the apartment and took you home with her.  They received an anonymous call telling them where you were and that you were alone."

There was a frown on Johnny's face and Alexis knew he was not going to let go of the obvious hole in the story.  As Margaret related the events to her the first time, Alexis didn't buy it any more than Johnny was buying it now.  Pieces were missing.  Using her skills as a defense attorney it didn't take much to get the full story from Margaret.   And as much as she wanted to shield Johnny… Alexis knew in her heart he needed to know everything.  Her thoughts were confirmed when he questioned her.

"Alexis, if a prostitute doesn't want to be found… well you know as well as I do that she can pretty much disappear.  And there are too many holes in your story.  What aren't you telling me?"

Johnny watched as Alexis caught the bridge of her nose between two fingers and squeezed… a clear sign of unease.  He went to sit back down beside her and took both of her hands into his own.  "Look, I know you're only trying to make this as easy as possible for me, but I have to know it all.  How did Nana know where to find me?"

Alexis reopened the file that still lay in her lap.  Reaching underneath the ménage of evidentiary files she pulled two envelopes out that proved time did not spare anyone or anything.  The envelopes while yellowed and the writing somewhat faded, were also worn and crumpled by what Alexis knew to be desperate hands unable to let go of a past filled with heartache and misery. 

"Your mother asked that I give these to you if you refused to accept the condensed version of the story.  One is from your Nana Rose to your mother dated years ago and the other is a letter your mother wrote to you just a few short years ago.  At the request of your mother, I have read both.  What you are going to find in the contents of these letters is going to hurt.  She wanted to tell you herself what happened the day she left, but she couldn't bring herself to send the letter."

Johnny slowly reached toward the faded letters and drew them from Alexis' hand with a look of wonder on his face.  He stared at them trying to grasp the fact that he was holding in his hand a piece of his mother.  Her words… her thoughts… maybe an acknowledgement of him as her son; but best of all… another link to his Nana Rose.  A tear fell from his face and landed on the return address of the top envelope.  He watched it land just as he recognized the handwriting and quickly tried to wipe it away before any damage was done.  But as the ink smeared distorting the name of the woman he had loved for as long as he could remember he felt his heart tear.  In his hand, the first letter… a letter from his Nana Rose to his mother.   He looked up at Alexis as another tear escaped down his cheek.  

The indecision in his eyes did not escape Alexis.  She reached up and brushed his tears away and smiled comfortingly before answering.

"Your Nana never knew if her letter actually reached her daughter because it was never answered.  I think it would be best if you read it first.  It will help you when you read your mother's letter.  And since I hear Kristina beginning to wake, I'm going to give you a little privacy while you read them.  If you want to talk after you're finished… I'll just be next door.  And Johnny, don't lose sight of the support you have at your disposal any time you need it.  Whether it's Joy, Sonny or myself.  Don't try to handle all of this on your own. " 

Johnny watched Alexis begin to gather up her things and he suddenly felt a loss so intense it tore a sob from his throat.  He turned his head away from her to keep her from seeing his weakness… how much he needed her to stay… from seeing how much her leaving reminded him of being abandoned as a little boy.  He felt her arm suddenly close around his waist as she moved closer to him and the warmth of her finally stilled the quaking inside that he could not control on his own.  

"What is it, Johnny?  Tell me."

"You and Sonny… " Struggling, Johnny stopped and started again trying to put words to emotions and feelings that he thought he would never have to face again.  "You know Joy doesn't see much of her folks any more.  I don't know; for some insane reason they don't think she needs them.  And me… well I haven't had anyone since Nana died.  Me and Joy… well… we're just kind of out here on our own.  If it weren't for you and Sonny we'd be alone.  And we could deal with that as long as we had each other." Johnny paused a minute out of embarrassment for his lack of inner strength.  "You handed me these letters and then started to lea… It's… " Becoming totally exasperated with himself he dropped his head and looked at his raised hands in disgust as if to say 'look at the failure that's standing here.'  Lifting eyes that bore the remains of self-recrimination Johnny watched a wealth of compassion sweep across the face of his best friend and he dropped his arms.  "Alexis, I'm a full grown man.  I should be able to handle all of this better." 

"Why, Johnny?  Why should you be able to handle it better?  I think you are expecting entirely too much of yourself given what you are facing.  And don't you dare think that I would walk out that door if I thought for one moment that you needed me to be with you while you do this.   In fact… "

Johnny watched Alexis cross to the coffee table to pick up her cellphone and waited to see what she was up to.  He felt no apprehension at her action… he trusted her completely.

"Sonny, I need you to come get Kristina and keep her with you for a while.  I'm at Johnny's and please do not ask me a lot of questions right now.  There's something he needs a little help with… He's fine, Sonny.  You and I did a pretty good job of putting his past together and he just needs a little time to deal with the repercussions.  So please, just come get Kristina and keep her with you until we get this resolved."

Johnny made himself scarce until Sonny left with Kristina.  He couldn't explain it, but there was a big difference in admitting to Alexis he couldn't handle something and having Sonny know it as well.  He wouldn't allow Sonny to see his weakness.  Hearing the door close behind Sonny, Johnny rejoined Alexis in the living room.

"You didn't have to leave, Johnny.  Sonny would understand."

"I know.  I just needed to take care of something first."

"I sure am glad there's not a courtroom anywhere near by.  You would be in big trouble, mister."

Johnny grinned knowing Alexis didn't buy his excuse for a minute.  He walked back toward the coffee table and picked up the letters he left waiting there.  Sitting down he waited until Alexis again joined him.  He hesitated a moment more as he watched her turn toward him and lay her arm along the back of the sofa behind him.  Her attention was now his, and his alone.  The wonder of being important enough to Alexis Davis to be able to depend on her for support, encouragement or whatever, still amazed him.

"So I need to read Nana's first?"

Placing her hand on Johnny's back she caressed him affectionately and smiled sympathetically.

"Yes.  I think you need to read Nana's first."

Turning the envelope over he lifted the flap and reverently pulled the letter from its hiding place.  Closing his eyes for a moment to steel himself, he then unfolded the wrinkled pages that had begun to turn brown with age.  His eyes lovingly took in the sight of the familiar handwriting and for a moment felt the comfort of his Nana's arms around him once more.  Reaching up he caught Alexis' hand and brought it down to rest within his atop his thigh, breathing deeply he began to silently read the evidence of a mother's love for her only child.

_'My sweet baby girl,_

_   I've done as you asked and left you alone.  It broke my heart to let you walk away from me, but I had done all I could to show you just how much I loved you and wanted you to stay with me.  The day you left is the last day that I spoke your name aloud.  Somewhere inside I began to believe that if I held my tongue then somehow all of the love, the hopes and dreams I held for you would one day bring you back to me.  Are you okay, baby girl?  Do you need anything?  You know your papa and I would do anything we could to make your life easier._

_I don't know whether he told you or not, but John called us last night.  Please do not be angry with him.  He just wanted us to know who he was and that he had done his best to take care of you.  He sounded like such a good man.  I spoke to him for a couple of hours and then your Papa talked to him.  He let us know where you were and that you were well.  I could tell by his voice just how much he really loves you and now he tells me that I am a grandmother.  My own baby girl has a child of her own.  You should have seen your Papa.  I didn't know a man could look so proud.  Before John hung up he let your Papa and me know that he was in the hospital and wasn't expected to last.  It is his last request of me that forces me to break my word and contact you. _

_He tried to explain to me that there were just some women in the world who for some reason or another could never understand the concept of love.  That they were just born with something broken inside of them or maybe something horrible happened to them somewhere along the way that caused their hearts to grow cold.  Although he didn't ask he seemed to know that in your case it was the latter that was true.  And it was because of the constant fear and betrayal he saw in your eyes that he tried so hard to give you all that he could.  It was for the love of his son that he finally acknowledged to himself that with the coming of his own passing his son's future was in jeopardy.  There was not one bit of anger or judgement in his voice, baby girl.  He was just concerned for the welfare of his son.  It was then that he asked me to get in touch with you and offer to let little Johnny come live with your Papa and me._

_For some reason I cannot see, your Papa and me could not be what you needed us to be as your parents, but Margaret I would please ask that you allow us to try and meet the needs of your son.  In your heart you know you have always been welcome here any time things got too bad for you out there.  Please baby girl, please come home and let us love you.  Let us take care of you and the boy until you can find your footing again.  _

_Our days are filled with loving you and praying that someday you will come home to us.  But Margaret, every child deserves a good life.  Forgive me for saying it, but I beg you to please not make him follow you from bed to bed.  Send him home, sweetheart.  Let your Mama and Papa love you through him.  We will see to it that he has the best we can give him and we will never speak an ill word to him against his mother.  My precious baby girl, I beg you to please do the right thing this time.  _

_All my heart and all my love,_

_Mama_

Finishing the letter, Johnny leaned toward Alexis and his head fell to her lap as tears, filled with the searing heat of loss, fell with abandon from a heart broken on behalf of a woman who had given her all to him.  

Lifting her head up to prevent her own tears from falling onto him, Alexis wondered as she held tight to this man who loved with such pure devotion, if somewhere out there in the heaven's a woman's heart was overflowing at the sound of a quiet tender whisper… "Nana, My beautiful Nana."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

Alexis sat quietly with one arm lying across Johnny while gently threading her fingers comfortingly through his hair as his head rested in her lap.  She was allowing Johnny time to come to terms with his grief over a letter clearly proving that not only was Johnny abandoned my his mother, but the woman who took him in, raised him and loved him without condition was also abandoned by her daughter.  In grieving for himself he also grieved for his Nana Rose.

Moments passed as Johnny let every word of his Nana's letter find its place in his heart and the more he meditated the angrier he became.  Gently shaking off Alexis who still held onto him, Johnny rose from the couch and walked from one end of the room to the other.  He felt as if his insides were going to explode from the anger that was consuming him.  

"How dare she?  How dare she take Nana's love and devotion and stomp all over it?"

He stopped in front of Alexis who remained seated on the couch raising the letter in his hand and thrusting it toward her, his eyes filled with the irate passion of loyalty betrayed… of a mother's love thrown aside as refuse… his heart burned with unreleased emotion.

"Did you read this?  Is that what you said?  You read it?"

"Yes Johnny.  I read it."

"How can a child hate so much?  How could that woman hate Nana as much as she did?  Can you explain that to me?  I lived with Nana for years and I never once saw her do anything just for herself.  I never once heard her judge anyone for the mistakes they made.  There wasn't an unkind bone in her body. What kind of monster would turn on her own mother like that?"

His voice rose with every word proving the bitterness of his heart.  Alexis stood up and took a couple of steps toward Johnny.  Her heart reaching toward an anger so intense, its containment precarious at best.  There was still so much more to a story that was long overdue in the telling.  If she was going to have any success in getting him settled into a frame of mind to continue, she needed to get his attention centered on his mother rather than his Nana Rose.  It wouldn't be easy considering the absolute blind devotion Johnny held for his grandmother as though it were his salvation.

_"**JOHN EDMUND O'BRIEN… STOP**."_

Johnny's head snapped up so fast he lost his equilibrium and was forced to take a step back to catch himself, eyes rising instantly to meet the steel of Alexis' as his mouth closed abruptly.  It was the first time he could remember Alexis ever raising her voice to him in irritation and to hear his full name used for the first time since his Nana died...

"I'm sorry, Johnny.  But, I can't let you attack your mother without knowing all of the facts.  I know how much you love your Nana Rose, but I'm asking you to follow her lead and not become judge and jury in a case you only have a piece of.  Now please, come back and sit down.  You have another letter you have to read in order for all of this to make sense."

It broke Alexis' heart to see the look in his eyes.  Eyes that one could count on to ease the souls turmoil with a glance were now darkened by the weight of what seemed a mother's hatred of all things good.  He was torn between his love for his grandmother and what Alexis was now asking of him.  

When his unforgiving stance did not waiver Alexis knew she would have no choice but to reveal a part of his mother's letter in order to get through to that part of him that his Nana nurtured and taught the basic truths of honor, sacrifice… mercy.  Taking a step closer she lay her hand on his arm and with quiet regret spoke the words she knew would tear him apart.

"Johnny, there were things that happened to your mother when she was fifteen that no child, no matter how unruly, should ever have to endure.  But what finally drove her to leave her home…" closing her eyes she took a deep breath and labored to make her words fall as gently as possible.  "…she was raped, Johnny."

His eyes grew darker, shifted slightly then fell to land on her hand that rested on his forearm.  Waiting breathlessly to see how he would take the news, she felt the muscles of his forearm grow rigid beneath her hand and the wellspring of warmth and gentleness she had come to rely on in her friend was gone.  

He stood unmoving a moment more then slowly raised his other hand to take hold of hers then removed it from his arm.  As he turned away from her she reached for him only to be gently pushed away.   His shoulders sagged from the weight of unwanted truths; his eyes relentlessly shifted back and forth refusing to focus on anything concrete in a vain attempt to stop the images that now assaulted him.  Johnny slowly walked to the sliding door that led to the balcony in hopes of relieving the burning need of his lungs for fresh air.  Opening it as though it were granite, he stepped through and walked toward the railing.  Holding her breath, Alexis quietly followed him and as she reached the door she saw Johnny catch hold of the railing and slip soundlessly to his knees.  His pain… his inconsolable heart blindly reaching out to find another compassionate heart to feed on… found hers and she cried.  

Glancing back over her shoulder she caught sight of his mother's letter still lying on the couch where he left it as the letter from his Nana took hold of his undivided attention.  Retrieving the letter she joined him on the balcony where she leaned down and gently took Nana's letter from his hand and replaced it with his mothers.  Wrapping her arm around his waist she gently kissed his cheek then went back inside to wait.  He would read it when he was ready.  Pulling a chair from the dining room, she placed it far enough away from the balcony door to keep from being intrusive yet close enough to keep a watchful eye on Johnny then sat down to wait.

Staring at the letter in his hand, Johnny's mind was a mass of confusion, anger and sorrow.  A mother he had done his best to forget… a grandmother he needed now more than ever… a father who once loved him… and Joy… his heart ached with his need for Joy in that moment.   Rising from his knees, Johnny sat down on one of the balcony chairs and looked down at the letter he held in his hands.  Raped.  His mother.  Raped.  Turning the letter over he slowly pulled back the flap, hesitating a moment more he pulled the letter out, unfolded it and began to read.

_'Dear John E,_

_   That's what your dad called you from the day he came to get you at the hospital until the day he died.  I asked him once why and he said his son would have enough to deal with considering the life he was born into without being saddled with a puny name as well.  He gave you his name because it was strong and a name worthy of a boy as well as a man.  I met your dad on the docks one day and for some reason that still remains a mystery to me he found something in me worth caring about.  He knew what I was doing there, but he said it didn't matter because by the time he got through with me I would love him so much I'd walk away from the street life and marry him.  I'm afraid your dad lived more on dreams than reality.  I conned myself into believing that all he wanted was a child and would do whatever he had to in order to get one even if it meant marrying a hooker.  I resigned myself to having a child until I found out my child was a boy.  I know that sounds cruel, but I had a real problem giving the world another man that would take advantage of or abuse women.  And in the world I lived in, there was no doubt what a son of mine would turn out to be.  So, just before you were born I married John with the understanding that no one would ever know of the marriage and he would take over complete care of you.    _

_   I don't know why I'm choosing now to tell you everything that happened so long ago.  I guess partly because I've finally come to a place in my life where it doesn't hurt so much to remember.  Today is your birthday and although I know you have a life of your own, I suddenly realized that you probably think I'm dead now.  After all, what kind of mother would walk away from her child when he was nine and try to forget she ever had a son if she weren't dead.  Many times over the years I have wished that I had died when I was 15 and looking in a mirror was more painful than a razor blade against my wrist._

_   I need you to know what happened John E.  Maybe it's because the burden has become so unbearable or perhaps because it would have meant so much to your grandmother; or maybe it's just because I need some kind of absolution.  Whatever the case, I do not ask for your pity only that you try to forgive me and maybe someday you might even consider finding me.  I'll never be too far away that you can't easily find me should you ever want to._

_   Life with your grandparents was often more than I could handle.  None of what I went through in those early years was their fault.  They did their best for me.  I don't know what it was inside of me that kept me from accepting all they tried to do for me.  I often felt suffocated by their love and would take off for days to get away from them.  When I would finally come home, Papa would take me aside and give me hell for treating Mama so cruelly.  With Papa, Mama always came first.  Most times when I came home it was because I was hungry and Mama would hug me and sit me down in front of a table full of everything I loved most.  She never scolded me for taking off.  She would just feed me, draw a warm bath then put me to bed.  It always made me feel like I was a thief of some kind.  Stealing love that wasn't deserved._

_   Sometimes I would watch Papa and Mama.  They were so good together.  Papa would go out almost everyday and come back with something special for Mama.  He was always doing things to make her smile; always putting her first in everything he did. I hope that if you learned anything from Papa it was how to treat the woman you love. I use to dream of being loved like that.  But through my own rebellion and stupidity I made sure it would never happen to me.  When I was 15 I took off again and got into quite a bit of trouble.  The boy I was hanging with decided to take off on a cross-country adventure.  His solution to our lack of funds for the trip was to rob the local market and when I told him no, I was going home he figured he would try to convince me it was a good idea.  By the time he finished trying to convince me I had several broken bones, a collapsed lung and what I was to learn later a child on the way.  He left me on Mama's front porch and that's where she found me almost dead from loss of blood.  Mama tried to tell me a demon lived in that boy and that none of it was my fault.  But I knew better; the demon she spoke of was alive and well living inside me.  _

_   Living with Mama became very painful after that.  She wanted so much to love all the hurt away, but something in me died.  I couldn't accept her love, couldn't find enough love in me to build a new life on.  I couldn't stay with Mama and keep watching her day after day slowly withering away because she thought she failed me.  So, I wrote her a letter one morning and told her I was leaving and if she really loved me she would let me go and not follow or ever try to find me.  I knew if I played on her love for me she would do as I asked.  Walking down the steps that morning I looked back just for one more look at my home and saw Papa standing at his bedroom window watching me leave.  He looked quickly over his shoulder then back at me and told me he loved me and to take care of myself.  Papa chose Mama over me.  I think I would have lost respect for him if he hadn't._

_   The day your dad died, I thought about calling Papa and telling him to come get you.  But, by that time I was so cold inside, so defiant I wouldn't admit to anyone I needed help of any kind.  I received a letter from Mama asking me to send you to her so she could take care of you.  She asked me not to make you follow me from bed to bed.  It was a statement that caused such a deep resentment in me that I swore to myself she would never set eyes on you. So I took you back to the apartment with me.  A few years later, I got into trouble again.  This time John wasn't around to clean up my mess.  One of my customers wanted more than I was willing to give and I found myself having to hide his body.  I knew I had to get out of town for a while, but I couldn't run with a kid hanging on to me. So I did the only thing I could think of doing to save you.  I called Papa.  He came for you and I made him promise me that none of my life would ever again touch Mama or you.  He reminded me that he had never lied to Mama and couldn't see his way to starting then.  So I showed him Mama's letter and I threatened to take you on the run with me and he finally gave in.  We put together a plan that the next day Mama would get a call telling her you were left abandoned and if somebody didn't claim you then the state would. Just before he left that night he looked at me with the saddest eyes and told me, 'There's only so low a person can go before they are forced to make a choice to live or die.  Don't make me have to tell Mama you chose to die.' The next morning I watched from across the street and saw her come for you.  Even after all I put her through she still didn't let me down.  I did what I could to make up for the trouble I caused her.  I gave her you.  The last time I saw Mama she was holding you as if her world had just begun again.  I will hold that picture in my heart for the rest of my life._

_   I left town with a pretty good stash on me.  Seeing Mama that day and hearing the last words Papa ever said to me…  made me want to try and start over.  I went to New York and found a job waiting tables.  A couple of years later, I met a man who reminded me of Papa.  We married and we were together for twenty years before he died.  I have a little baby girl now.  Well not so little.  She's not much younger than you are and looks quite a bit like you.  I named her after Mama 'Catherine Rose O'Brien' and when she was old enough to understand I told her about you, Mama and Papa.  She wants so much to come find you, but I can't let her.  I don't want your life spoiled anymore by mine.  So she settled for naming her first born after you.  _

_   When I think of my little boy now, it is with the weight of guilt and regret.  In just his few short years my grandson has taught me more about love than I ever allowed Mama to teach me.  I think of you every day and hope that you were able to learn all that Mama tried to teach me and because of it maybe someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me for all the mistakes I made with you.  Until then John E…_

_I love you son,_

_Margaret Rose O'Brien Marten_

As the last page dropped from Johnny's hand to land on top of the others in his lap, he felt the arms of his wife envelope him and he turned laying his head on her shoulder and cried.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

"I want to know who he is, Alexis."

Once Johnny composed himself after reading his mother's letter, Joy informed him that Alexis had called her and briefly explained what was going on and that he needed her to come home.  It still amazed him that Alexis could read him well enough to know when to ignore what he said in favor of giving him what he needed.  His need to see his wife at the close of his mother's letter was so great that feeling her arms fall around him didn't surprise him at all.  The two of them sat together and re-read each letter.  For Johnny, he needed time for it all to cement together so he could look at it all objectively and for Joy, she needed to catch up so that she understood the reasons Alexis had called telling her to come home, 'your husband needs you right now more than your patients do'.  Now they were both standing in Alexis' living room.  Joy's hand firmly clutched within Johnny's.

Alexis moved to stand beside her desk where another file lay.  Picking it up she looked intently at Johnny.

"Johnny, Sonny does not know about this file.  Nor does he know that you were adopted.  I used his resources exclusively to find your mother.  After that, everything you have learned is known only by the three of us and anyone your mother cared to share her past with.  It is up to you now what you do with the information.  What I am asking of you is that you not give Sonny any more ammunition against me where Michael rights are concerned.  Will you give me that much?" 

Glancing at Johnny Joy felt him tense a little and every ounce of love she felt for him fueled her need to protect him from any more hurt.

"Alexis, I don't think this is the time to remind Johnny of your concerns regarding Michael.  Don't you think he has enough to deal with right now?"

Alexis understood exactly where Joy's allegiance was and she didn't question it in the least.  She was proud of Joy for standing up to her for Johnny's sake.  But again, neither one of them knew the whole story yet.  She smiled at Joy and reached to grasp her hand briefly to let her know she was still on their side.

"Joy, hurting Johnny is the last thing on my mind.  You know how much I love him and you know I would never do anything to intentionally harm him.  My only concern is that if Sonny gets wind of what is in that folder… all I'm asking is that we keep this to ourselves for the time being."

Johnny knew there was something else going on.  In watching her converse with Joy, he recognized that she was afraid of what the contents of the file would not only mean to him but it would further cement Sonny's stand to keep Michael from knowing who AJ was.  Every negative thing Johnny was learning about his families past would reaffirm for Sonny it was still in his best interests to keep Michael in the dark.  There was also something else he saw in Alexis. Letting go of Joy's hand, Johnny stepped closer to Alexis and placed both of his hands on her shoulders.  Looking into her eyes his heart fell.

"It's about Nana Rose.  There's something in that file about Nana Rose.  What is it, Alexis?  Don't make me read it.  Tell me." 

Alexis looked from Johnny to Joy then back to Johnny.  From the corner of her eye she saw Joy move up to stand with them.

"Alexis, how bad is it?  How much does he have to prepare for what's in that file?"

Alexis looked from one to the other.  Her own heart was hurting for what she was about to do to Johnny.  And Joy would be just as hurt because the two of them were already so close that whatever one felt the other felt it as well.  Alexis reached up and pushed a lock of hair off Johnny's forehead then smiled apologetically to them both.

"Come on.  Let's sit down."

Alexis allowed Johnny and Joy to sit down before she took a seat on the coffee table in front on them.  She needed to be as close to them as she could in hopes that just maybe with the three of them together as one, her news would land a little softer. 

"Johnny, your mother does not know what's in this file.  She had already left home for the last time when this happened and your Nana made your Papa promise to never tell her."

Alexis watched Johnny reach for Joy's hand, heartsick at what he was about to learn.  Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment and steeled herself to continue.

"A couple of days after your mother left, your Nana was taken into custody and charged with attempted murder.  The man who raped your mother was found stabbed in the chest and wasn't expected to live.  He fell into a coma on the operating table so no one could question him about the assault.  The problem was there were enough people around town who knew your mother was hanging around with him and all of a sudden she was gone.  It led everyone to believe that she was guilty.  Johnny, mothers will do just about anything to protect their children.  Your Nana proved that the day she confessed to attacking that man and was sentenced to 15 years in prison."

Joy grabbed for Johnny.  His face had grown deathly white and he was shaking uncontrollably.  Fear struck Joy forcibly and she screamed at Alexis.

"**_DAMNIT ALEXIS_**, couldn't you have prepared him a little before telling him something so horrifying.  What's wrong with you?" 

Joy began talking softly to Johnny trying to calm him some.  But no matter what she said… it seemed as if he couldn't hear her.

Alexis reached and took hold of Joy's arm.  When she held her attention, she pleaded with her.

"Let me talk to him, Joy.  I know I'm not handling this very well, but I think I can undo some of the damage if you'll let me try."

Joy was livid.  She was angry with Alexis for doing this to Johnny.  In her mind she knew it couldn't be helped, but it was her heart that was watching Johnny suffer.  She raised her eyes to Alexis…

"Is there anything else in that damn file of yours worse than what you've already said?"

"No, Joy.  It's done.  Please, let me talk to him."

"Alright, but Alexis, you and I are going to have a major problem if you hurt him anymore."

"I understand, Joy."

Alexis drew her attention back to Johnny who remained mute, trying to get his mind wrapped around the fact that his Nana Rose was convicted of attempted murder.  She knelt in front of him and placed a hand on each side of his face and forced him to look at her.

"Johnny, listen to me. "  When he started to shake her hands off she tightened her hold and tried again.  "Johnny, you have to listen to me.  How many years was it between the time your dad died and your Nana Rose came for you?  Do the math, Johnny.  How many years?"

Johnny slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers.  Forcing himself to focus on her question he finally answered with a voice weakened by trauma.

"Five."

"So something must have happened to set aside the sentence, right?"

He heard her and slowly nodded his head.

At his response, Alexis continued.

"One week after the sentence was handed down the man regained consciousness and correctly identified the person responsible for the attack.  Your Nana was released instantly.  She spent only a couple of days in jail and eventually the whole mess died down and people went on about their business.  Your mother never knew what happened and the case files were sealed."

Johnny breathed deeply and again asked the question he and Joy had come to ask Alexis what seemed like hours ago.

"Who was he, Alexis?  Who was my real father?"

Alexis could not ignore the similarities between Johnny and Michael and her answer proved it.

"Your real father was John Edmund O'Brien.  Your biological father is Charles Stanford Fern."

Joy couldn't believe she heard Alexis right.  She turned to Alexis with a frown on her face.

"Who did you say was his father?

"His biological father is Charles Stanford Fern.  Have you heard of him, Joy?"

Alexis knew who the man was and she suspected Joy knew him as well.  Joy's response confirmed her suspicions. 

Johnny looked at Joy and saw the shock on her face. 

"What?  Joy tell me!  What do you know about him?  Who is he?"

Joy took both of Johnny's hands into her own and looked at him intently, vaguely aware that Alexis had moved away to sit on the other sofa.  

"Johnny, Charles Fern is the founder of Ferncliff Sanitarium and several other institutions in the New York area.  He also donates any proceeds above the costs of the institutions to the Port Charles Rape Crisis Center.  Whatever free time he has he spends it at the center counseling women who are victims of rape.  He is known all over the state as the person to go to if a woman is in trouble.  It's become an institutional joke of sorts, but the man drives a beat up old Chevy truck because he refuses to spend any more money on his personal needs than he absolutely has to.  He's a bit of a recluse.  No one ever sees him except when he's doing something for one of the institutions or the crisis center."

Joy turned her focus to Alexis dumbfounded.

"Alexis, are you sure that's Johnny's father."

"Positive."

" I want to see him."

Joy and Alexis stared at Johnny as if he had finally lost his mind.  They both reached for him simultaneously, but it was Joy who spoke first.

"Sweetheart, why?  Ok, maybe that's not the best question at the moment.  But, I don't understand why you would want to put yourself through that.  Haven't you suffered enough?"

Johnny put his arm around Joy and drew her closer.  He didn't really have a very clear answer to give her.  What he needed was time.  Time to review and hopefully come to terms with all that he now knew of his past and the lives of his mother and father.  He needed time to deal with what his Nana had done for a woman whose early life read like a horror story.  He needed time to deal with the fact that his 'real' father was alive out there somewhere.  Johnny shook his head a couple of times to clear it.  His mother and father… alive.  His Nana and Papa… gone.  How cruel he thought fate to be… to mercilessly tear apart the childhood of a little boy who wanted nothing more than to feel safe and loved.  Johnny needed time… and he needed his Nana Rose.

Looking at the two women who sat waiting patiently to do anything they could for him, Johnny smiled wanly and stood urging them up with him.  He put his arms around Alexis and held on tight for a few moments before releasing her to gaze intently into her eyes.  He drew his fingers down the side of her face as he shared his thoughts with her.

"You know how much I love you, Alexis.  And you know I would move heaven and earth for whatever you needed.  It had to have been pretty rough on you pulling all that stuff together, but you did it anyway knowing what it would mean to me.  You gave me a family today and for that I will forever be indebted to you."  Johnny watched a tear fall down her cheek and pulled her fiercely into his arms needing desperately for her to know how much she meant to him.  He moved his head just enough to where his mouth barely grazed her ear and pleaded… "don't ever doubt how much I love and trust you.  It's you and me partner… just like a few months ago.  I helped you pull your life back together and now you're doing the same thing for me.  You and me, Alexis; we need each other.  We will always have this thing between us that can't be shaken or broken. Now, I need to take some time to come to terms with all of this… you know, so it makes sense.  Will you take care of Joy for me until I get back?  Keep her from worrying about me.  Can you do that for me, partner?  She is the most precious treasure in my life and you are the only one I trust enough to leave her with while I do what I have to."

Alexis grabbed hold of Johnny and hugged him tight.  Her heart bleeding from the love and pain she heard in his voice.  Laying her cheek along side his, she whispered, "Go do what you have to.  I'll stay here with Joy and we'll find something to occupy the time until you get back.  If you need either one of us, we'll be right here… we're not going anywhere.  Now, I'm going to go see if I can make a decent pot of coffee while you talk to Joy."

Alexis stepped away from Johnny and reached to squeeze Joy's hand for support then turned toward the kitchen.  Just as she reached the door she looked around once more and caught Johnny's attention… "give Nana a kiss for me too."

Johnny smiled at Alexis.  She knew where he was headed and she was letting him know it.  He winked at her, then returned his full attention to his wife.

"Joy, I need to take a little trip.  I won't be gone but a couple of hours at the most.  So much has hit me and I just need a little time to make it all fit where it's supposed to.  Would you mind staying here with Alexis until I get back?  I don't want you to be alone, but I also don't want to see anyone but you when I get back.  So, could you give me a couple of hours then meet me back at our place?"

Joy was worried.  She didn't want him out there alone.  She knew where he was going and she knew why.  Everyone who ever meant anything to him had kept him in the dark about so many things he felt he should have been told.  Johnny was going back to his roots; to the one woman who saved his life when he was a small lonely little boy who simply wanted to be loved.  

Johnny needed to find a bit of peace for his tortured heart.  And in his mind he remembered sitting at the feet of a wise and loving woman who knew how to explain the troubles of life in a way he could understand.  Johnny was going 'home' to his Nana Rose.  He would sit by her grave until he remembered enough of her quiet words, loving smiles, and gay laughter that the bitter resentfulness that now filled his heart would quietly melt away.


End file.
